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Ending a marriage is never easy,
generation of successful women—including many who watched

their parents’ relationships go down in flames—is finding a better way to divorce By monica corcoran harel
■ easy, but a
onscious uncoupling.” It was the parting shot heard round the world when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their intention to split amicably, even lovingly, in the spring of 2014. An epic backlash to their take on separation ensued. How dare the actress make one of the most stressful moments in life sound like a DIY spa treatment? But Paltrow was onto something already afoot: a craving for a kinder, gentler way to dissolve a marriage—simply put, a good divorce.

Since then, a bevy of new tools for taking the high road has flooded the marketplace. There are books like Splitopia: Dispatches From Today’s Good Divorce and How to Part Well, as well as sites such as Wevorce, which helps couples avoid a messy, acrimonious court battle. The newly single can celebrate with a divorce party or go somewhere exotic on a “divorcemoon.” Lost the espresso maker in the split? You can set up a divorce registry. There are even “divorce hotels,” where you check in unhappily married and, 48 hours later, you check out single and refreshed. But beyond all of this is the notion that a harmonious split can lead to better health, a more fulfilling career, and even an evolved relationship with a partner you once wanted to throttle.

“I always say we had the most amazing divorce but a really terrible marriage,” says Los Angeles-based fashion designer Mary Alice Haney, laughing, of her first marriage, to Graham Larson, whom she met 17 years ago in Palm Beach, Florida. After four years of dating and a few not-so-blissful wedded years, she realized, “We weren’t soul mates and we both knew it.” But, she adds, “Whenyou’re young like we were, you just think marriage is supposed to be hard like that" In 2008, the couple sought counseling with a therapist to discuss separating and a custody arrangement for their two toddler sons. No matter what, she says, they vowed to have a “happy divorce"

Haney credits their commitment to being civil and caring for the success she’s since found as a Hollywood stylist turned designer (she launched an eponymous line of ready-to-wear dresses—Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift are fans—within a few years of her split). “There is no way I could have done it without Graham,” she says. “If you have a negative situation with an ex, you don’t have the flexibility and the support system"

Why is this movement happening now? Understandably, many couples with children, like Haney and Larson, are motivated to do what’s best for the well-being of their kids. Others prefer not to repeat the mistakes of the previous generation; they watched their divorcing parents bitterly antagonize each other and are determined to do the opposite—especially now that they have the means to play nice with mediators, collaborative lawyers, and divorce doulas, who offer emotional and strategic support. But really, it may all come down to the statistical reality that a lifelong monogamous relationship is about as contemporary as a home perm.

“We’re all inside this happily-ever-after myth that is about 400 years old and was created when the life span was under 40,” says psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, who coined the now-famous phrase for a mindful breakup and then popularized it in her 2015 book Conscious
Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. “Staying together was once a matter of survival and economic necessity. But the truth is that very few of us are going to meet just one person, fall in love, marry that person, and live with that person for the rest of our lives.” (Woodward Thomas and her ex-husband live five floors away from each other in the same apartment building in Los Angeles so they can co-parent their teen daughter.)

Nicole Zien, a senior vice president of TV development in L.A., and her husband separated after eight years of marriage—including two years of couples therapy—and she remembers discussing ways to make the process as positive as possible. “We started dating when I was 20 and a young girl who was trying to find her way,” says the now 43-year-old mother of two daughters. “Ultimately, we divorced because we grew apart. The people who we were when we met, we no longer were.”
Although divorce is no longer a societal setback, and many couples hope to part on good terms, Splitopia author Wendy Paris, a former wedding reporter for Modern Bride, thinks the cultural shift to positivity would be further along if couples were more aware of their options. “Superstition prevents some people from getting information about, say, alternative ways to structure a family,” notes Paris, who wrote her book after amicably splitting with her husband in 2012. She says there’s still a notion “that if you learn about divorce, it’s like you’re welcoming the end.”

Science hasn’t caught up with the new paradigm, either. According to the psychiatrists who published the oft-cited Holmes and Rahe stress scale, divorce ranks as the second-most-emotionally-taxing life event after the death of a loved one. But this study was conducted in 1967, when less than 15 percent of women were in the workforce. For context, Congress passed the Equal Rights Amendment five years later (though the proposed amendment was never ratified by enough state legislatures to be added to the Constitution), and women now make up 57 percent of the labor force. Clearly, women have grown their net worth on average and made strides toward financial independence over the past 50 years.

Sociologists, too, have long suggested that married people are healthier and live longer than the unmarried.

But what about the psychological toll of a miserable marriage? In October 2015, researchers at Brigham Young University reported in a paper aptly titled “It’s Complicated” that ambivalence in a partnership may be associated with higher blood pressure.

Other studies also feel behind the curve. One recently published by the American Heart Association found that a woman who had been divorced at least once had a 24 percent increased risk of heart attack over a woman who was continuously married; women divorced twice or more had a 77 percent increased risk. However, the ongoing interviews for that research started in 1992, just two years after the release of the divorce-as-blood-sport movie The War of the Roses. Back then, the term “good divorce” was an oxymoron.

Michelle Crosby, the 40-year-old founder and CEO of Wevorce, knows just how ugly it can get. Her parents split contentiously when she was a kid, and she recalls being dragged into court 15 times during their custody war. “My parents were phenomenal people who were stuck in a broken system,” she says. Determined to make it better, Crosby went on to study mediation and collaborative law at Harvard University and practiced as a family attorney in Boise, Idaho, before launching Wevorce in 2013.

Crosby, who amicably divorced her own husband after 10 years of marriage, says the site’s prime demographic is Silicon Valley tech types with high-stress jobs. Many of these couples don’t have children (“In the Bay Area, we have more couples with dogs than kids,” notes Crosby), a prime motivation for a peaceful split. But, “You still built this life together and want
“WE’RE ALL INSIDE THIS HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER MYTH THAT IS ABOUT 400 YEARS OLD AND WAS CREATED WHEN THE LIFE SPAN WAS UNDER 40.

—Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After